when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
