omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
