Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
