On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
