Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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