I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
