You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
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i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
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Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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