It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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