I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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