I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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