omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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