I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
