I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
