Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
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he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
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Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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