Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
