my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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