Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
