This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
