You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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