I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
