Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
