I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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