I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she told me i tasted like america
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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