i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
