I could make wine with my vomit
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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