If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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