I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
cat food counts as protein by the way
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
