I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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