My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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