I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
