Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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