Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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