my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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