how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
