Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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