Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
