Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
