my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
