I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
