im drinking this country out of the recession.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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