You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
