so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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