my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
