omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
