this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
