I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
