The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
