I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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