The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
