i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
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You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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