I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
