final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
