If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
im holly from the hills drunk
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
