I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
